does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
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So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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