my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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