fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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