she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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