i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
