I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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