Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
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I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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