A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
