I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
