my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
