You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.