He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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