just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
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Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize