I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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