I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
