You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
