do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
