Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
