you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
