you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
