Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
