Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
