a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
