Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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