I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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