so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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