how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype