the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
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Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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