when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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