They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
