I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
