She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
