Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize