I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
