So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I didn't notice because vodka
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
