Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
