She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
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He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
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Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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