So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
