My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
