I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I did not marry a roomba.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
