i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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