So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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