he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
