I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
