I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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