Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
