There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
