your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
