after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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