there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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