new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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