When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
