we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
