so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
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He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
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60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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