In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
