I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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