I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
