they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
