I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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