You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
